Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize