Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
