I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
