You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
