While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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