just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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