i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
