did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
