Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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