im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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