then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
