i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
