I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
