Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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