Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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