Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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