cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
