So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she smelled like a LAN party
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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