Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
