he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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