and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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