ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
