I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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