Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
