You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
