We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
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