so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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