Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
