I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize