Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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