He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
