They should really pass out barf bags in church
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
