I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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