maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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