and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
