In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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