Can i not drive my cunt home
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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