My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
