I hate all girls vehemently.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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