Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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