Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
