last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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