I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
