White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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