One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
