Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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