Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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