You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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