I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
