i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
