hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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