Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
