Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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