sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
