When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
