ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Did I show you my penis last night?
So squirting runs in the family.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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