I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
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