I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
