Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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