I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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